How to Date With a 100% Success Rate

There are billions of people in the world. It doesn’t seem very efficient to interview each of them one by one until I find the one I like.

I know, I know. Your brother’s best friend’s sister met on Tinder or Christian Mingle or whatever and they’ve happily married ever after. Sure, anecdotally, we know it does happen, but statistically? Time is finite and individual interviews are inefficient.

Dating for a partner is demoralizing. Every “interview” that doesn’t result in a new relationship is a failure. It’s exhausting to set up dates, prepare for them and then figure out what to do after the date. It’s also based on some level of illusion. When we meet someone online, most of us present a better-looking and funnier version of ourselves. When I go on dates, I spend half the day plucking every hair from my body and anointing my skin with oil to appear the most beautiful for my suitor. It’s a false representation, and I’m setting them up for disappointment down the line — either when they see me after HIIT training or after sex, when the mascara has congregated around my cheekbones.

Yeah, sure, dating, or rather mating, and associated rituals are embedded in our DNA. But the modern process of finding a mate is often inefficient, exhausting and comes with an extremely high failure rate.

I still do it.

But that’s because I’ve figured out a way for dating to make me happier, smarter — and with a one hundred percent success rate.

For me, dating isn’t a process to find a mate. It’s a highly conclusive and efficient process to learn about what I look for in a partner, and about myself.

Excuse the crass example, but do you remember those drunk driving scare videos they showed in middle school and driving school? The ones where the poorly acted partying kids were killed when they left the party with their drunk friend at the wheel? Some schools even went so far as to make it into a live action scenario in which you attended a classmate’s “funeral.” This is why we date: we don’t learn through theory; we learn by experience.

Theoretically, we want certain things in a partner. In practice, what we accept and what we find that we cannot accept in a partner are often very different from the list we write in our minds or in our diaries. Even OKCupid builds measures into their algorithm to account for the fact that most people select partners who are far outside their original criteria.

We don’t know what we want until it smacks us in the face, so you endure a coffee date during which your suitor answers every “important” email they receive — so you realize you care enough about yourself that you won’t stand for rudeness. Or when my date showed up wearing grandpa-status white New Balances, I realized I could never end up with a grandpa sneaker-wearing person. Those bad shoes, and other associated dating experiences reinforce — or more importantly — introduce to you the qualities which are deal makers or breakers for you.

If we reframe dating as a highly conclusive process to find out what we actually value and are willing to accept or overlook, it’s less demoralizing and infinitely more effective. Every date is a win.

But dating doesn’t just teach us about our ideal partner — perhaps even more importantly, it teaches us about ourselves.

In regular life, I am a self-assured, calm leader who always has an answer when asked for advice. I’m independent and prefer to help others vs. being helped. After two and a half years of casual dating, I have to face the realization that I am the complete opposite in a relationship. Even though I am fearless independence and capability in every other life situation, in a relationship, I find myself wanting to be taken care of and doted on. It bothers me to even write this, as it’s so incongruent with my sense of self. But there it is, and I’m doing my best to face it.

I figured out this stuff by going on a bunch of what some might call ‘fruitless’ or even ‘bad’ dates. But they weren’t fruitless at all — I learned valuable lessons about what I want and who I am.

So, okay, dating is for learning but if I’m not likely to meet the future love of my life this way, how the hell am I going to meet them?

You’ll meet your The One by being awesome and yourself and having fun every single day. I believe that awesome attracts awesome. Since I changed my life to pursue joy and my dreams full time, I’ve attracted more potential love interests than I ever did before. You are amazing, and interesting, and if you’re dimming your personal light on dates or in real life, YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG.

Get out in the world and be radiant, and your light will lead you to love like a ship to a lighthouse. Rather than expending energy on worrying if love will come, be an expression of love and joy every day and love will always live in your life.

And ask your friends and family if they know anyone single that might make a good significant other for you. That practice is not dead — rather, it’s still the single most common way modern (heterosexual) Americans meet their spouses and romantic partners.

And, yes, Tinder on, friends. Meet interesting people, most of whom you probably won’t marry but who will provide you with valuable insights about yourself. You might even gain a couple of friends along the way. Start your new 100% success rate dating life with that simple shift in mindset. Have fun on every single date and remember: it’s about the journey, not the destination.